worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
