He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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