Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
