I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
