Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
