I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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