Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I could make wine with my vomit
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
