Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
