i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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