I wish my penis had an off switch
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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