we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i think im in europe. pls send help
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
