you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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