Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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