Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
