That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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