I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
