4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
well you can't waste a boner
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize