dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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