Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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