i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Randomize
