Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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