YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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