New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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