guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
