It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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