is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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