My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
