Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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