i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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