I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
