A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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