meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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