I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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