youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.