Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
Terrible brother advice.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
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I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
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If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??