so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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