Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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