Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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