who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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