So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
