Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
