I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
