Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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