Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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