You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
