You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
smell my finger.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
