She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
