I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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