Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
