Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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