Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
