she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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