I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
