If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
