That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
