You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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